As some of you might have noticed, I haven’t been posting much on social media these past days and week. For the simple reason that I have been going trough quite some hard times. Now let me clear things up first. I’m not writing this diary entry for people to pity me in any way but more to show you that it’s ok not to be ok at times. This will probably be one of those blog posts where I won’t edit much and where my thoughts will be a little bit all over the place, but I simply wanted to write everything down.
I have to be honest, I’ve never experienced something like this before. I’ve had intense moments of anxiety and panic attacks, where my heart just started to race faster and experience some sort of tension. I could physically feel that I was in pain. I’ve had moments of unexpected crying and where this anxiety I had, just had a direct impact on my physical health well-being. With all of that, I’ve also experienced difficulty breathing, where I had periods of shortness of breath from time to time. In brief, I just felt horrible experiencing these attacks that I have never had before. I think it was the result of an accumulation of everything that was going on in my life.
Not only was I experiencing stress from my personal life but seeing what was going on with the rest of the world, did not improve my situation. From seeing the political issues going on in the country that I am living in, to how the pandemic crisis seems not to be getting any better in Europe. All of these news were just like extra weights that were added to my shoulders. Usually I like to check Instagram, as it is a place where I look for and find inspiration/motivation but lately, this is not what my feed has been looking like. My Instagram feed became filled with these news, so that’s why I decided to take a step back because it was only worsening the condition I was already in.
I know we always say that we cannot escape reality (especially for the issues that affect us directly) but I think it is important to know how to consume with moderation. Personally, I’ve had to completely distance myself from social media. Of course I still check some of my apps from time to time, but I have noticed that my screen time consumption has drastically gone down. And that was intended because I realised that it upset my well-being. Going through the Covid-19 crisis was already affecting me a lot, so now experiencing various types of additional bad news became way too overwhelming for me, which then translated in various forms in my life.
Honestly, going through this period was physically but also mentally exhausting. Not having my family altogether beside me as much as I used to before, did also break my heart. It was probably one of those moments where I would have needed their company the most. But life is not always perfect and distance can sometimes really be saddening. But what I went through has also taught me to only focus on what truly matters: good company, our health/wellbeing and on simple little everyday life things. Plus, to let go of things you can’t control but to take on what you can change.
I must admit that i’s very unlikely of me to be in this state and to go through something like this because I’ve always been known as being the “positive”, “full of energy” and “lively”one. I’m usually the one who gives a hand to the people that are struggling and also the one that always know how to put things into perspective and say that “everything will be ok and everything will get better”. But this time, it was me who experienced a difficult time. Of course, I’m fully aware that there are people who are going through much worse but this was probably one of the few hardest moments of my life, emotionally. Of course today, I’m still the Issariya that everyone has always known. But I have just simply been through something that had made me grow wiser. Going through this, also made me realise not to judge people from the way they think, they speak or they act, because you never if that person has been struggling or is still, up to this day, fighting a battle of their own, on their own. It made me more accepting of each individual’s story because we all go through a battle of our own, whether it’s a small or big one. This clearly shows that sometimes, even the ones who seem to have their lives together the most, can go through these types of moments as well. So the overall message of this very personal diary entry that I have written, is to say that it’s truly ok not be ok from time to time. Most importantly, I wanted to spread out the words that it’s ok to go through these experiences as we are all human beings. And you should also not be ashamed nor be afraid to speak up, just like I did, because you never know if it can help someone else or that someone might come to your help.